I Need My Girl
by CileSuns92
Summary: Post 8x21, Meredith comes home from her boards. A different ending. One-shot. Spoiler free.


**I Need My Girl**

* * *

_**Disclaimer: Do you think I'd be here writing different endings to a show I own? No? How can you be so sure about that?**_

**Okay, this is a post 8x21 one-shot. It's not that I didn't like the episode, I just felt that there was something missing at the end. I really hope they'd pick up right where they left off. In any case, here's my take on what's missing. **

**It was inspired mainly by the Meredith-Cristina scene at the door, especially Meredith's words. They struck me, in a good way. And maybe I had a little too much time I wanted to spend in any possible way that didn't involve studying for exams. Shonda gave me the perfect opening. I can hate her one day and love her the next. I mostly love her though, even when she pulls stunts like she did in the past, she still created those characters, right? I'll be forever grateful.**

**Speaking of inspiration, the song here -with lyrics below- is a new song I found on YouTube of the often mentioned Brooklyn-based band The National. If you haven't listened to them yet, probably you have missed my other stories. Serioulsy, they are inspiring. So go and open a new tab with YouTube and listen to this song!**

**Okay, enough rambling. Enjoy this one shot!**

* * *

_I Need My Girl - The National_

_I'm under the gun again  
I know I was a forty-five percent then  
I know I was a lot of things  
but I am good and I am grounded  
Davy says that I look taller  
I can't get my head around it  
I keep feeling smaller and smaller  
I need my girl_

* * *

Meredith sighed, fighting the latest bout of nausea as she carried her luggage outside her hotel room, the effort draining her of the little energy she had left. But she needed to get home and see her baby girl. See with her own eyes that Zola still loved her.

She couldn't have ruined it all, right? Because the doctor at the other side of the desk during the boards surely took pity of her as she threw up right in the middle of the whole thing.

Mind-over-matter might have worked for Cristina, but for her it wasn't exactly the best solution, especially under pressure.

She just wanted to get home.

"Here" Cristina caught up with her and grabbed her trolley, freeing her from the luggage. She sighed in relief. "Still feeling pukey?"

Meredith hummed, knowing that keeping her mouth shut was the best solution to avoid more vomiting.

She needed to sleep until they reached Seattle. And no matter which position she was in, she just felt like puking.

Meredith sat in the front row, closer to the door, just in case she needed to relieve her flip-flopping stomach, her body feeling the toll of a night spent on the floor and the usual joint aches that came with any kind of seasonal illness.

Surprisingly, Cristina sat next to her.

"I brought more fluids" she said simply, taking out of her bag another IV and pulling gloves to insert it.

"Thank you" Meredith mumbled, leaning heavily against the seat, her forehead pressed to the cold glass. "Do I have a fever?" she asked out of the blue.

"Do you feel feverish?" Cristina said simply, using her doctor voice. If she wasn't the one puking, she would have been highly amused.

"A little. Maybe. Ugh, I have no idea" she sighed in despair, closing her eyes as Cristina worked on her arm.

"IV is in" Cristina's reply was more a random statement than anything else, but it seemed to work for Meredith, as she proceeded to hung the fluid's bag to the coat hook above Meredith's head.

She watched the rest of the group shuffle in, a few faces she knew barely by name, then the tense faces of April and Jackson, both with frowns on their foreheads and dull eyes. Behind them Alex, sad like a lost puppy, because he knew that even if he had been able to take the boards last minute, they were going to consider what happened and he knew his chances were dimming.

More people walked in, some with grins, others with similar frowns, but Meredith could hardly focus on their faces, before it all became a blur.

"How are you feeling, Grey?" Jackson said when their eyes met briefly

"Wishing we could be home already" she sighed, burrowing herself deeper into the soft cushion of the expensive seat. Paid trip to San Francisco had certain perks, after all.

Jackson nodded sympathetically, then moved on to his seat.

April for once wasn't perky or a crying mess and Meredith was grateful, no matter how bad her test had gone. She couldn't handle perky Kepner right here and there.

Her phone vibrated and she knew it was Derek even before she could pick up and hear his gentle, soothing voice whisper "Hey". Oh, how she wished he was right there, behind her, holding her.

"Hi" she managed a smile, trying to compose her voice "How's Zola?"

"She's fine. In a bumblebee costume but she's fine" his voice laced with tiredness, but he didn't seem to notice it, she could imagine the smile on the other hand of the phone.

"What?" Meredith wondered, still a little out of it

"I have no clue how to do laundry, Meredith. And we had lots of dirty stuff already" he explained "Lexie offered to make a load of baby clothes"

"Good" Meredith sighed "I mean, not good, but..."

"Hey, are you okay?" he wondered, knowing that something wasn't quite right

"Yeah, I just wanted to be there"

"She's feeling better. Honestly, she looks almost like herself. She still has a low fever, but she'll come around" he paused for a second and Meredith could hear Zola babble to herself on the other side.

"I can't wait to be home" she sighed again

"Just three hours" he said, his voice filled with equal hope "We might even pick you up, then we'll go home together"

"Sounds amazing" she mumbled, already imagining all the possible scenarios.

"How did it go?" he finally asked the question she knew it was bugging him the most.

She hadn't called after the boards, too busy with the puking, the embarrassment and the fact that she didn't want to disappoint him any more than necessary. She knew he had waited for her call, but she wished he would understand why she didn't.

"I'll tell you more later" she said elusively, not needing him to know that she was the puking resident just yet.

"You don't sound okay, Meredith" he said simply, straight to the point. And she hated when he knew her so well, even if sometimes it came in handy.

"I will be, as soon as I get home to you and Zola" she said "I love you" she added, steering away the conversation.

"I love you too" he replied, the statement tinged with a slight longing she wished she could immediately take away from him "I'll give Zola a kiss from you, okay?" he added

"Thank you, Derek" she sighed, really grateful for the fact that he was there, off work, for Zola, when she couldn't.

"We are a team, never forget that. We do things together" he smiled and she felt it, slowly settling a comforting, invisible hand on her shoulder, finally calming her.

"Yeah" she smiled back, even if he couldn't see "We're leaving right now" she concluded, hearing the doors of the bus close.

"Bye, Meredith"

"See you soon"

When she hung up, she leaned back against the seat and pressed her forehead again to the cold window, watching the road go by quicker and quicker at each passing mile they ate away as they moved back to Seattle.

Her eyes closed, thoughts of Zola and Derek filling her mind as she ping-ponged through all the possible scenarios in her head. She was grateful that Cristina was busy thinking too.

Meredith felt that she had probably failed the whole thing, so if things went really south she was probably going to be one of those crafty neighbor-friendly mother, who bakes and hosts dinners. Even if they wouldn't really have neighbors at the new house.

Even if things turned out to be pretty decent she thought at all the offers around the States and she had no idea how to refuse them. Her whole life she had waited for those spots to open and at the point where she could easily get in, she had no idea if she still could or she'll end up working in a neighborhood of Spokane in a hospital without a serious OR. Or if she wanted to accept those position either.

"Are you really staying in Seattle?" Cristina's voice interrupted her thoughts

"I have no idea. Do you?"

"I have no idea either"

The silence between them was filled only by a set more of whispering people on the other rows of seats.

"If you want to move, you should accept Columbia. Derek's family is from New York. They all live there or around, except for Amelia. So we can visit you when we go there" Meredith said awkwardly

"Why you don't want to accept Brigham, Mer?"

"I..." she shut her eyes even tighter, but not for the nausea. "My mother worked there" she said simply, but Cristina didn't miss how many layers that sentence had.

"She worked in Seattle too" Cristina pushed her and she knew she deserved it. She had done the pushing, as they leaned against the door, talking about Owen and life, she deserved some pushing back. And she was glad Cristina wasn't one to back away from such conversations when she felt like pushing.

"That's different" Meredith retorted and the Asian looked at her with a frown, not really believing her explanation "Cristina -"

"Mer, you were ready to stay at home with your girl and miss the biggest test in your life because she was sick. You are not your mother."

"And when exactly my mother stopped caring about me? Because I honestly can't remember and I knew that at some point she wanted me to lie on top of her when I was sick. I can't..." her voice had a sharp edge and Cristina didn't regret the prodding

"You love her to pieces, Meredith. That's the difference, between you and me and your mother. Owen doesn't get that I would have been the kind of mother yours was and he just doesn't get it."

"I'm sorry" Meredith replied "But you're not like my mother either" she said simply "I see you with Zola"

"But she's yours. When she cries or poops you're there or Derek's there and..."

"That's a start. Just talk to Owen" it was Meredith's turn to poke

"We don't talk"

"You should"

The silence between the two of them settled, filled by the soft hum of the engine moving them closer to home and the buzz of the other residents.

"Columbia you say, uh?" Cristina steered back to the original topic, but Meredith's advice wasn't forgotten, just filed away.

"I think Derek had worked there for a while, maybe ask him about it or something. Clearly, you're familiar with Stanford"

"Stanford is closer, though"

"Yeah"

"You should consider Boston"

"I know. I wish I shouldn't"

Cristina strangely moved her hand on top of Meredith's and squeezed it, polishing the well-practiced line "This constitutes hugging, since you're all contagious and crap"

And Meredith squeezed back, a faint smile brightening her features as she slowly tired to relax, focusing on Zola and Derek, picturing him and her, at home, together, her bumblebee costume wrinkling as she played on the coffee table under Derek's watchful eye.

She had hated not being there for their baby girl. Tiny tears prickled at the corner of her eyes, but she fought them, focusing on the good.

Zola was happy. She smiled and babbled and walked. Which was a little miracle all in itself all things considered, such as her potential horrible parenting, the spina bifida, how things began for their family. But things were getting on the right track, they were good, they were happy.

She just missed her baby girl.

She steadied her breaths, trying to let her mind stop reeling out of control and just paying attention to the lulling engine and the miles that were being eaten away on the road.

Every minute they were closer to home.

At some point she drifted off to sleep, the IV dripping liquids in her sore body, helping her heal.

* * *

Derek stood awkwardly in the ambulance bay, waiting for the gray van to pull over. Zola was with Lexie at home, since it was drizzling lightly and he didn't want to risk her fever to spike up again. He was still off work, his only desire was to spend this day with Meredith and Zola.

Celebrate Meredith's boards and learn how to do laundry properly were on top of his list.

Owen stood just as awkwardly next to him, and Derek had no idea if he was there as Chief or as husband, but he wasn't going to pry on that. In any case, he was surprised by the man. Surely, he and Cristina were going through a lot, he couldn't even imagine how he could get over the fact that his wife aborted their baby, but he had supported her at first, Meredith told him so, and he had to stick to the vows, no matter how much he hated that. His mistakes would eat him alive otherwise.

He had almost got to the same point Owen was, when he treated Meredith like crap after the trial and they barely spoke to each other. He had almost lost her and Zola and he vowed he wasn't going to risk it any longer.

The bus pulled in the parking space in almost exactly the same spot where it departed the morning before. The crowd waiting for the residents to come back was surely smaller, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

The first one to climb down was Richard Webber and Derek looked at him puzzled. He had a stupid grin on his face and he seemed almost jolly. Did it mean that all the residents passed with flying colors? And why was he there in the first place?

"Hunt, Shepherd" he greeted, skipping back inside the hospital, leaving the two men a little stunned, waiting for their wives after a poignant look.

Right after Richard, Kepner jumped off the bus, almost running inside without even a second glance to the people behind, a sulking face on as she sprinted so quickly away from there that she had to turn on her heels midway to retrieve her luggage.

A few other residents climbed down before Karev and Avery. The first one had his usual hard, unreadable face on, but Derek knew that he came back to Seattle for Morgan and he wished he had been able to take the boards with a clear head. He remembered his boards and they had been hell, even if Mark and Addison were by his side.

"Golden boy!" Mark's booming voice hollered from the door, his timing perfect, but Jackson barely glanced up at him, shaking his head. "Not golden boy?" he questioned again, but their conversation got lost in the hustle of the others climbing down.

Cristina was next.

She barely glanced at Owen, their eyes speaking silently as she picked up her luggage then left slowly and Hunt disappeared behind her.

He waited and he was rewarded, because Meredith was the last one to get down. She was carrying something in her hand, trash probably, wraps of food she had brought for the trip and he smiled widely at her.

When their eyes met, he knew immediately that there was something wrong with his wife. And his suspicions were confirmed when she rushed to the trashcan right behind him and started throwing up.

He was immediately at her side, rubbing her back as she braced herself heavily against the wall. She turned then towards him with the most miserable face he had ever seen her with, her eyes glazed over, until she grimaced and he was ready for another round.

She burst in tears instead.

She hid her face in her hands as she sobbed and he knew that his hands on her upper arm weren't enough anymore, so her pulled her closer to his chest. It was like she couldn't handle anymore of that and honestly, he wasn't going to question her.

She didn't fight him for the first five seconds, then she pushed him away with the little force she had in her.

"I'm all pukey and contagious" she said in a broken voice and he smiled at her, pulling her closer.

"Zola threw up on me. Literally. I was covered in vomit and I couldn't even move because she was holding onto me so tightly I had to wait for her to fall asleep before taking a shower. I'm not worried about contagious anymore"

His smile dissolved though when she sobbed even louder holding onto him just as tightly as Zola had. She was a little warm too, he could feel it through the fabric of their clothes.

In that second her realized why Meredith had been so dismissive at his request of information on the boards and his heart ached for her. He might not trust her in the OR, but he knew she had worked really hard to get there, overcoming things nobody was supposed to and coming to the other side with scars and scratches but still intact. And she didn't deserve this.

"I wanna go home" she mumbled, sniffling loudly and pulling away from him.

"I parked in the usual spot" he said simply, holding out his hand for her. She took it gladly "Do you want to freshen up a little?"

"I just wanna go home"

Those were the last words she spoke in the relatively quick trip from the hospital to their house. She was holding one of Zola's toys randomly scattered in the car, her eyes lost on the road as he forehead remained pressed to the glass.

He reached out to rub circles on her thigh at one random red light, trying to make her feel at least a little better, and when he put the hand back on the gear, she laced her fingers through his, wordlessly telling him that she didn't feel like voicing her thoughts just yet.

She was scared, he knew that from the way she was retreating into herself. Scared and sick. He just wished he could take it all away.

He was quicker than her to get out of the car and he guided her inside with a hand on her back after picking up her carry-on from the trunk. Her movements were slow, her steps a little uncertain on the familiar path and she strangely accepted his help gladly.

They barely made it inside the house that Zola was already toddling unsteadily towards the door with a big grin on her face as she shouted "Mama!"

Meredith immediately rushed towards her, tears springing freely on her cheeks as she grabbed the bee-clad baby and pulled her close in a hug.

"Mama missed you so much Zo. I love you baby girl, I'm home" she said, as she controlled her tears and she kissed the baby in every possible free spot.

"Mama" Zola kept repeating on a loop as she snuggled into her mother's arms, full of joy and smiled.

Derek stood a little aside, letting Meredith forget about her vomiting and the boards and just let her enjoy this. When he looked at Lexie, who had joined them right after, his sort of sister-in-law was crying too. Their eyes locked in understanding and she went back to the living room to retrieve her stuff, mumbling something about groceries as Meredith utterly ignored her.

"So, you like to dress up when I'm away, uh?" Meredith said to the baby, who grinned happily, then leaned heavily against her chest, hand in her mouth, the smile disappearing from her lips immediately.

"She's gonna puke" he supplied quickly. Every time her hand flew in her mouth Derek was ready with a bucket and Meredith caught up with the intention immediately.

She moved quickly to the bathroom downstairs, stripping Zola out of the outfit and wrapping her in a towel instead, still holding her closer to her chest, her own puking seemed forgotten as soon as Zola had given any sign of needing her and he was amazed.

Then Zola scrunched up her nose and Meredith turned her just in time for her to heave in the sink.

Zola began crying loudly, her tears shining on her cheeks as Meredith wiped away the vomit from her mouth and pulled her closer.

"Shh baby, I know. Mama got sick too but it will get better. Daddy has taken good care of you but Mama's here now"

"Mama" the baby moaned and he stood there, watching his two girls soothe each other.

"Can you grab a clean diaper for her, this one has vomit on it" she turned to him with a calm, collected voice, her lips barely grazing Zola's head as the baby kept whimpering on her shoulder.

"Yeah" Derek replied, leaving the two alone in the bathroom.

He grabbed medicines, water and a change of clothes for both Zola and Meredith, he was sure she would appreciate sweats instead of pants.

His reward was a tired smile from both his girls when he moved back to the bathroom.

He kissed the top of Meredith's head as he picked up Zola from her arms to give her the chance to change, the baby's mild protests soon forgotten when Zola was back into Meredith's hold.

Meredith then smiled at him. A small, grateful smile that meant almost as much as a kiss and he grinned back, glad that she was finally home.

She disappeared outside the bathroom then and he watched her whisper soothing nonsense into Zola's hair as they walked upstairs.

He went in the basement to retrieve a clean -and hopefully already dry- onesie for Zola, more towels, a bucket and a blanket for the two of them, then he walked upstairs, towards their bedroom.

Meredith was laying on the bed in the mess of blankets they had left the morning before when he got in, Zola leaning heavily on her chest with her tiny hands gripping Meredith's old shirt, a blanket sprawled on top of the half-naked baby. Their breaths were in synchrony, their eyes equally shut as Meredith rubbed Zola's back evenly, the baby molding into her hold, content to be laying on top of her, finally more peaceful than how he had ever seen her in the whole time they had spent together. She really did need her mother.

He silently put the glass of water and Zola's water bottle on the nightstand, the rattling of the glass alerting Meredith of his presence.

She slowly opened her eyes and looked at him, her stare dull and glazed over, but she managed a smile. He left the onesie at the end of the bed then left the bucket at hand reach for a possible accident. She silently thanked him with a poignant sigh.

"I really needed this" she mumbled, gesturing to him an Zola, and he kissed her forehead tenderly, brushing Zola's curls as he retreated.

"I know" he sighed, sitting next to her "She needed this just as much. But it's okay if you were in San Francisco"

She looked at him with an unconvinced look, then shook her head.

"I don't think I wanna be a doctor anymore if I fail the boards" she confessed simply, breathing in Zola's hair.

"Mer -"

"Derek, I puked during the exam. I'm done" she said silently "I'm no good at the mind-over-matter thing. Cristina is. I'm gonna be a Mom"

He met her eyes and he knew she really meant this. He wasn't just imagining things, she was ready to sacrifice what she had worked for her entire life to be Zola's mother and he felt all the weight of the words he had growled her in a moment of anger only a few months before. He was so ashamed he knew his cheeks were flushing.

"You're gonna be a wonderful Mom. You already are. But you can be a surgeon too" he tried to make her reason, make her see what she was giving up, but the determination on her face told him that she had given thought to the option of just giving up her dream job for Zola.

She just looked at him, a glimmer of hope hidden behind the tiredness, the puking and the despair. He could get lost in all the emotions hidden there, behind her eyes. He was overwhelmed and amazed and even more in love.

"I'm sorry for ever doubting that you could be an amazing mother to Zola" he said honestly, the words coming out of his lips even before he could process them in his brain. But he was glad he had said them.

"It's okay" she sighed, her hand on Zola's back changing the patter from an up and down motion to haphazard circles.

"I shouldn't have said all that. I was angry Mer and..."

"You have a temper" she said "I know. I know you. I might not always like you, but I love you. All of you" she said simply "That's in the post-it"

"Yeah" he breathed out, taken aback by how easily she called him on his mistakes, without even making an effort, just saying a couple of things at the right time. "I love all of you too, even when I yell at you"

"I know" she smiled, her face brightening for a second, her features relaxing as Zola grunted in her sleep and shifted, tangling even tighter to Meredith's torso. Meredith kissed the top of her head, then she quickly grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I'd kiss you if I didn't have puke breath and microbes pouring out of me"

He looked at her and he couldn't help but chuckle, relaxing against the headboard next to her, their hands still tangled as he tried his best to keep it quiet for Zola. "I'd kiss you too" he replied after a while, his lips descending on her cheek and she giggled too.

"You tickle" she said very childishly, making him smile even wider

"I can go shave, for more kissing"

"Stay" she almost pleaded and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer. "I'm gross, Derek" she complained as she shifted in his hold, Zola fitting snugly between them as he pulled her flush.

"You're amazing" he said simply and she relaxed completely, her head resting exhausted on his shoulder as he began rubbing her back just like she was doing with Zola's, her eyelids drooping as he listened to his girls breathing in tandem, feeling suddenly blessed.

"I don't care about Brigham" she mumbled, half awake

"What?"

"Cancel the interview, we're staying in Seattle"

"Meredith -"

"It's not about my mother. It's about Zola, living in the woods, in our house which you said is amazing. It's about the people here, Seattle Grace, the ferryboats, the Space Needle, the ocean and this frat house. I can't leave it all behind, not for a job." she sighed "If you want to move to Boston to be closer to your family is another matter entirely, but I couldn't care less about Boston when I have all I want in Seattle"

He let the silence stretch, the weight of her admission settling in his soul and he knew that this was another one of the countless shades of gray his mother had warned him of. She'd move, for his -and now hers- family, even when she didn't want to. She'd do that for him. But for once, it was about time he did something for her.

"I can survive without my Mom" he said, trying to lighten up the conversation

"You can, can't you?" she bantered back, bringing a smile on his face

"I'm glad you thought about her though"

"It's your family, you've always been good with mine" she burrowed a little deeper in his embrace and he could feel her body radiate a different heat from the usual. She had a fever too. He didn't care if her microbes infected him though, he was ready to share that as well. There was an in sickness and health vow for a reason, after all.

"I think I'll call my mother to update her then, when the results of your boards arrive"

"Okay" she sighed and silence settled comfortably again.

"Speaking of families, when you feel up to it, I think Lexie needs a friend. A girl friend. There's not much I can do about her problems, but..."

"I'll talk to her" she replied tiredly "Tomorrow"

"Yeah. Sleep now, Mer"

"I'm sorry about the microbes" she said, a small smile gracing his lips as she settled in his embrace once for all, Zola shifting as well.

And he couldn't help but let the corners of his lips curl up and reply "I'm not"

* * *

**Meredith got her moment with Zola lying on top of her. I think she deserved that, because she's great with the girl and she finally has the chance to be a different mother from the one hers was. And about her not being a surgeon, I can't even begin to think about her as a mother only, like she mentioned early this season, before they took Zola away. She said that, "I'd be a Mom", and I was amazed so I threw that in the mix too, with my wish for Meredith to remain in Seattle.**

**Even if a lot of people were here, this was mainly about Meredith. Needing her girl. Derek had a huge part in this, but it was all about Mer in the end. **

**I hope I gave Cristina justice, because I'm still not sure how to write her exactly. Sometimes I'm not even sure I wrote Meredith and Derek right, let's talk about that...or not.**

**Thank you for stopping by and reading this. I hope you listened to the song, but it's fine if you didn't. I can take that. This idea wasn't planned at all, it just couldn't get out of my head. I had to write it. Apparently two new stories to outline/write and the on-going Adjectives Series weren't enough to keep me busy.**

**Well, I hope you liked this. Again, thanks for checking this out, we'll wait and see what happens next Thursday, then.**


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